Mea culpa. Volunteers say


(Not everything written in this blog is true, my perception of reality is heavily influenced by my emotional state)

This blog has been empty for weeks and it’s ultimately my fault (not actually this one, the one in blogger, this one has had content) 

I don’t want to force people to write. I don’t want to be the one asking for a testimonial when everyone clearly prefers not to write.

These last weeks have been strange. I have had the best of the times and the worst of the times. I went on vacation with Christina and Juliette and it was lovely but I also came back to Trento feeling empty. We went on a lake trip and ended up hitch-hiking and laughed so much but I also felt like I needed to isolate myself for days after.

Not much has been happening in my life, whilst a lot is happening on everyone else’s life, or at least it feel like that.

Remember how during the lock-down in 2020 the world kind of slowed down? I loved that. For once the world was working on my speed and I could finally catch up with everything. Now I feel like the world has gotten back to its normal speed and I am left behind again. Everything feels kind of foggy and I don’t get to look around and see how amazing the experience I am currently living is.

I’ve been in Italy for more than half a year and I am scared that the only thing I will take from this year is stories, but not growth or improvement.

The other day I read that women’s frontal lobe stops developing once you’re 27, which means that this is the most developed my brain will be for the rest of my life, this is what I am stuck with for as many years as I get to live. I guess I’ve reached full potential, doesn’t feel right if you ask me.

Over these months we’ve written about experiences, travels, friendships and work but not a lot about what’s going on inside. And trust me, there’s a lot going on in the top floor.

Being a volunteer is not easy, it is in fact very hard. You have to get used to a lot of changes happening all the time and all of them happening as you hear a voice in the back of your head telling you “this is only temporary, you won’t be here in a year”, and for me, it’s very hard to put myself out here for year and then go back, it will feel like none of this meant nothing or that it meant so much and didn’t use it wisely.

I am living in the future and it sucks.

The present feels too distant, it’s sunny, it’s a Wednesday, I am surrounded by people, I am in a different country, I am alive and well.